Hi friends. I've written a lot about the emotional problems I experience from CPTSD, childhood trauma and parental abuse and neglect. Today I'm exploring the physical symptoms of early trauma. Many of these health issues (and they are many) are things I've experienced all my life but never connected with abuse and neglect.
Quick backstory if you're reading for the first time. I grew up in unhealthy, unsafe conditions with four narcissistically abusive adults (two bio parents and their new partners). I was abused emotionally, physically, sexually, financially and medically, neglected, deprived of basic care, exploited, parentified, scapegoated, abandoned, endangered, toxically shamed and gaslit about it all, by all four of my parents. I only just, at 59, started really unpacking and talking about it.
It's the medical abuse or actually medical neglect that I'm exploring today. But really, all the abuse, neglect, shaming, scapegoating, exploitation, endangerment and abandonment factor in. So the physical symptoms and conditions associated with CPTSD? Some of these might sound odd. But research has shown me that they are in fact quite commonly seen in childhood trauma survivors.
But first, a word on the medical neglect (or neglect of medical care). This was part of a much larger pattern of neglect, deprivation, endangerment and abandonment. It began when I was a baby, in several ways. I was diagnosed with Congenital Hip Dysplasia and put in a Pavlik brace. All my mom remembers is that I cried and interrupted her but then got used to it.
It's my grandparents who told me about it. They worried all the things normal parents would worry about, but mine didn't. Once the brace was off, my parents seemed to forget all about it. No one ever checked to see of I had any residual problems. They didn't keep up with any follow-up. When I started having back problems (scoliosis, spina bifida and later, arthritis), no one cared. The fact that my dad and stepmom made me do all the heavy housework, vacuuming, mopping on hands and knees, ironing, sleeping with their babies and getting up at night with them, climbing snowbanks to get laundry off the line (for real) tells me they didn't care a hoot if I had back problems or not. And they clearly never connected it with my hip problems.
Now just a segue here on that. I've said before that their (expensive breed) dogs ate better than I did. Well, beyond that, they had better medical care. (this has a point, so bear with me). I recall all the vet visits their dogs had. When I asked why I might have so many back problems and could it be related to my hip issue, my dad got furious. He accused me of questioning his decision to put me in a brace and said "why don't you just sue me??"
Of course I wasn't. I was just desperate to get feedback that might help. And that shut up any from him. I actually felt ashamed for asking and apologized. I apologized a lot to my dad for things I've not done. But now I see that he felt stupid because he didn't know because he hadn't bothered to find out what the repercussions might be. But he knew all about the dog's problems. And it was, ironically, reading about German shepherds that led me to find the arthritis/ hip dysplasia link. Shepherds are prone to hip dysplasia and often develop arthritis from it and that ends up killing them. I find it further annoying how much info there is about dogs with these conditions and how little about humans. I guess a lot of other people prioritize animals over people too.
But it doesn't really matter because anything that could have been done about it then, wasn't and now I'm stuck with the arthritis, fused vertebra and neckbones, twisted spine, etc. And there we have ugly Mr. Medical Neglect to thank, again. Because they weren't there, they didn't care, it wasn't cared for, lather rinse repeat.
All of which brings me back to my point which is the toll that abuse and neglect take on your health into adulthood. Being very self-centered, my parents were too preoccupied with themselves to have time for me. They still are. It's not a problem now because I cut most contact. But kids can't do that. They rely on parents. Or should be able to. But selfish parents are also incredibly unreliable. So I had to care for myself which was of course, impossible. Another vicious circle.
I have had eye problems since I was a baby. But no one thought to have my vision tested or get me glasses till I was 12 and nearly blind. I've had years of headaches, blurred vision. I've had allergy issues since I was a kid but (wait for it) only just got tested as an adult. I had breathing problems that I only found out was apnea in adulthood. I've lived with chronic nightmares since I was 4 which I now know are CPTSD. And all my mom and her boyfriend did was to laugh at me because I talked and walked in my sleep.
When I was six and we had moved to Alaska, I began having chronic throat problems. It didn't help that we were squatting in unheated homes without running water or electricity. Or that I was sleeping on the ground, floor or in a camp bed most of the time. Or that no one made sure I was getting enough to eat. Or that my dad had left us to wander around Alaska "preaching" and my mom was doing her own thing (having affairs, running off to Seattle, etc.). Or that I spent the majority of my time alone, homeless and wandering the town.
But anyway, my throat got really bad. And they took me to an army MASH unit where I got cough drops. They didn't help. And my throat kept getting worse. Then my parents split and I was moved back to Michigan with my mom. Dad was still on perpetual holiday. By the time I was 9, I was chronically sick (like in missing 40 days of school in one year) with tonsillitis, strep throat and swollen glands. I was kept on penicillin for months at a time. That stripped out my immune system. I was left home alone when I was sick. My dad was back in town but I guess no one thought to have him come and stay with me? Or his new wife? Or my mom could have gotten a babysitter? But why would they? So I just managed on my own.
It was only when my grandparents pushed them to find out what the actual was going on and why was nothing being done about it. Finally I had my tonsils out, was left alone all day to recuperate, got incredibly sick and lost a quarter of my body weight. My mom and dad had their heads so far up their own asses that nobody noticed that I hadn't eaten in 3 weeks, following surgery.
It was a little neighbor girl that brought it to my mom's attention that I was crying when trying to swallow some water. And then my mom got mad and forced me to eat applesauce which burned like hellfire. I think she was mad that yet again, someone else had to point out to her what would have been obvious to any parent. Or that someone would report her negligence leaving me alone so much. Or that I just interrupted her life.
Another time, still living with my mom, I fell out of bed and broke my cheekbone. She just looked at it and said I'd be fine and to go to school. When I got to school, one half of my face was swollen to softball size. The school sent me home, thinking she'd do something about it. But she didn't. It wasn't till my dad saw me a few days later and said I needed it x-rayed that we found out I'd cracked my face.
These are just a few of the instances of neglect I've lived with. And how it affects me now is probably not surprising. I have a lot of chronic pain but I'm so used to it that it has to get really bad before I do anything about it. And because I'm so used to being ignored, marginalized, dismissed and even punished for expressing a need, I don't. As one therapist put said "Girl, you have a scary high pain tolerance."
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