This piggybacks from the last post on why endangerment might be the worst form of child abuse. The worst part is the destruction of the self, or really, the never developing a sense of self as separate from others. I then discussed how and why endangerment is so insidious. I gave four reasons but only discussed three. Here's reason four. My two incredibly narcissistic parents were enabled by their healthy loving parents, but for understandable reasons. Yes, weird, I know. Here's how and why.
So before my parents divorced (and hooked up with other selfish, abusive partners) they were already pretty entrenched in abandonment and endangerment of me. Their behavior as adult and then as parents was pretty sketchy and fringy. I have very few memories of them actually caring for me. I always spent a lot of time alone. I was left to wander and don't remember parents around. We moved a lot. They were unemployed, homeless, on the run and have squatted.
Then when I was 5, they got the bright idea to go to Alaska as missionaries. They weren't supported by any church. They church shopped a lot. In fact, the one they happened to be in (Baptist, I think) said, unequivocally, no! Do not do this. You are not missionaries and there is no mission field in Alaska. But they sold everything and off we went.
Which gets to reason four why endangerment is so terrible. And this is the hardest to write about, by far. Earlier I wrote that I didn't understand it as endangerment because I was so young. I knew I was scared and alone a lot but it was normal for me. So I get why I didn't understand how bad it was. But why didn't the other adults in my life see it??????? My grandparents were good loving people who loved me. Why then did they not follow up when they saw the shit my parents were doing? I mean for God's sake, who doesn't question when their kids take their kid to Alaska, from Michigan, on a whim, to be "missionaries???" Why were blind eyes turned to the homelessness, constant unemployment, moving around, squatting, leaving me alone, etc.??
I think the reason is that narcissists are very good at gaslighting everyone about what is going on. They have this weird ability to, if not get people on board, to at least distract them. They speak a lot of nonsense which baffles others. They play the shell game with facts. They also lie and hid a lot. And plus, no normal person could ever envision parents being so off with their kids. Like in my case.
As I've said before, my parents really weren't around much. I have very few memories of them at all. I was left alone most of the time and it never occurred to me to ask my parents for anything. They liked it this way but knew even at their most delusional that others wouldn't. So I think they played their parts when anyone was around.
But then they moved to Alaska and there was no one around to see. I think they moved to be able to do what they wanted when and where they wanted with me completely cut off from anyone who cared about me. I've wondered why they didn't just leave me with family and go. But that wouldn't lend credence to their delusions. I know, it's not making sense yet, but bear with me.
They believed, or said they did, that God was calling them to "convert the Indians" in Alaska. They may have believed that I'd enjoy it and learn from the experience. But that was only an afterthought. If I was a priority, they'd have secured jobs, housing, etc before moving. That's what parents do, right?
Of course it is, you say. Why do you second guess yourself? Because I've been brainwashed all my life into thinking that what's best for others is what's best for me, even if it's actually hurting me. It took till 60 to finally admit that no provision was made for me. That they lived like wild Hedonists and completely disregarded me and left me to my own devices. I wish I could be more like my husband and just say "that's bullshit." But I'm a slow learner.
And not only were no plans laid, they didn't even try. Once they got to Alaska, it was full on fantasy. We lived in 13 different places (at last count. I keep remembering more) Some for only a week at a time. Neither was working. My dad would leave for months at a time. I don't know where my mom was or what she was doing. I know she spent a lot of time with various older men. We weren't calling them boyfriends yet. But then she announced they were divorcing. No help for me processing that. Dad is still wandering around "preaching." Then she moved us to a remote island (place #14) to be a "youth group leader." And then left me for a week with strangers to go to Seattle for treatment of a "bladder infection."
The missionary thing was delusional but also pragmatic, if you think like a self-centered narcissist. To begin with it shows their bigotry thinking these good people with a thriving spirituality needed white saviors. But beyond that, I think they fully expected the grateful native people to wait on them, as Jesus told the disciples to allow the people they preached to, to feed and care for them.
So how was moving me with them to Alaska part of the delusion? I was their calling card. They may have deluded themselves into missionaries they knew others might not see it that way. They might see them for what they were. Without me, they were two lazy, entitled adults expecting to be waited on. With me, they were a "homeless family that needed help." Having a child involved changes everything.
I think, too that they arrogantly figured these "heathens" wouldn't know child neglect when they saw it. But they saw. Wandering alone was something I did all the time. But none of the children I knew was allowed to wander with me. They allowed to me play with their children but later not even that because my situation was just too sketchy. But they were too far up their own asses to pay attention to that.
In their fantasy, why would they make plans, secure housing and jobs etc.? I mean Jesus told the disciples not to even take a staff or second cloak. The grateful "converts" should take care of all that, including me. Which of course, was completely opposite to what Jesus meant. But it sure sounded like a win-win for my parents.
And some native Tlingit people did take care of us. But not because they were ignorant or grateful. They were good humans. And because there was me. Children need care regardless of the adults they are with. So these people were the real missionaries. And the elderly couple who took us in, took over where grandparents left off, letting my parents get away with every weird thing and making sure I had food and a place to sleep. The only reason they allowed me to play alone was that they were in their 80s and couldn't look after me.
But that didn't matter to my parents because they didn't ever anyway. And my mom and dad got exactly what they wanted. They could fantasize and freebird to their hearts content. My dad went off for months at a time. No one ever knew where. I don't know what my mom did. No job, no kid, no responsibilities, no worries.
And because there were no sanctions or censure, they took this as approval. Self-centered people do this. If you don't check them, loudly, clearly and regularly, they conclude that you are happy with it. And since they are very poisonous when checked, people don't do it very often. Because everyone was playing along, this meant that they had God's imprimatur too.
Which only made it worse. The only way to stonewall narcissists is to stop enabling. Which they couldn't do because of me. Catch 22. Because when they once confronted my parents, saying that I belonged home with my family, my parents got mad. My parents do not like to be told they are wrong. That's when my dad's road trips got longer and my mom moved us to a remote island. To keep me from any protective influence they may have had.
Which kicked my parents' narcissistic delusions into overdrive. It looked to them like everyone was applauding their "missionary work." But then my grandparents decided to visit. By the time they arrived, my parents were so deep in cloud cuckooland, they made no pretense of parenting me. God had told them they didn't have too. And I just went on, thinking all this was normal. Or that I had imagined it. Until about 25 years ago, my grama affirmed it.
My grampa made some home movies he'd taken in Alaska on their visit, into VHS. I showed them to my mom as I thought she'd enjoy it. She made a snarky comment about some things she heard my grama say while watching the movies as my grampa taped them. I guess they must have hit home. But being my mom, she wanted me to feel ashamed and sad for her. Which I did until I began this quest a year ago.
So grama said that she recalled that as soon as they got there, my parents both took off in different directions leaving me with my grandparents. No word of where they were, what they were doing or when they'd be back. As you fucking do. Your parents travel across the effing continent to see you and you dump your kid on them? What the hell?? Which is exactly what, if I'm understanding correctly, my grandma basically asked.
Who takes care of Marilisa when we aren't here?? She was probably the only person to actually consider that these people were dropping the ball with me, a bit. But I think that what she couldn't imagine, because no sane, caring person could, is that the answer to that question was: No one.
No one expects parents to leave a 6 y/o child on their own, in a strange country, thousands of miles from home. Which is pretty outlandish but then, no one lets a little kid play alone blocks from home, in the bowery, or in a park with predators either. I think, being self-centered and delusional, my parents just got used to people believing all their bullshit and not asking questions. I think they relied on the fact that no one would believe they did these things.
Am I saying it's partly my grandparents' fault for enabling my parents to behave this way. I don't know. I don't think so. Because they were bullied too. They probably kept their own parents in check, threatening to disallow them any contact with me if they intervened. And they were gaslit by my parents into not believing their own eyes and instincts.
All this didn't help me much. It would have been helpful if someone had reached out to help. To tell me it was wrong. I've gaslit myself for decades that they didn't because there was nothing wrong. That they would have turned on me if I'd said something. Mainly, I think they just didn't know the extent of it. My parents were very good at covering the bruises they inflicted.
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