(Caution: post contains reference to suicide). Hi friends. I've been on a journey to heal CPTSD from toxic shaming, abuse, neglect, abandonment, endangerment, scapegoating, parentification, exploitation and gaslighting by four narcissistic parents. Today I'm beginning a series exploring triggers, what they are, how understanding them helps recovery, but also what they are not.
What are triggers? They are anything that generates a negative response or feelings, panic attack or emotional flashback, a partially subconscious memory of something unpleasant that happened. I have dysregulated (came apart emotionally) with certain triggers.
What triggers aren't. They're not responses to what's happening right now. When I had a panic attack over receiving a sweater for Christmas, it wasn't that gift I was reacting to. That triggered the memory of my dad screaming at 12 y/o me in front of the entire family when I asked permission to go try on my new sweater.
Trigger also aren't common responses to immediate provocation. If someone insults me, retorting, responding angrily, telling them off, are logical responses. They may not be the healthiest, but they make sense.
And that's what triggers don't do is make sense, at least at first glance. They seem to come out of the blue. Often, what triggers the response seems totally unrelated to the original thing. That's why it can be so difficult to identify and source a trigger. It usually looks like you're over-reacting. The response is too big for the situation. And it's because it's so extreme that identifies it as a trigger.
Because triggers don't lie. There is always have a connection. They are not irrational. And the triggered responses, originating deep my muscle memory, are there to protect me. They remember past trauma and injuries around situations and people, that I have forgotten or pushed down.
One of my triggers was taking my son to violin lessons. I was always a little uncomfortable. But one day, I had a full-blown (in my head) panic attack. I felt suicidal. If it wasn't for my little daughter in the car, I can't say what I would have done in that moment.
Which might all sound completely insane, Unless, you know the back story. Fortunately, I have a loving, understanding husband whom I was able to talk to about this and who took it seriously. He helped me see that it wasn't just the violin lessons but the church at which they were held.
He reminded me that "Hon, those people have been awful to you!" The minister, his wife and members of the congregation were incredibly judgmental and had passive-aggressively shamed me. I had also recently lost several babies to stillborn and several had lorded over me, their large families and ability to reproduce like rabbits. There was even some insinuation that I caused my babies to die because of sin in my life. Mainly the fact that I was a Catholic and they were not.
(I'd actually only remembered the last part in writing this. This is how deeply buried triggers can be).
So that was difficult enough. But it also reminded me of all the toxic shaming and religious persecution from my parents. It reminded me how my brother had harassed me for being Catholic, claiming he wanted to save me from hell. It recalled all the hypocrisy I'd lived in--parents doing very immoral things and proclaiming themselves good Christians. Parents humiliating, scapegoating, attacking, abusing, exploiting, endangering, abandoning and gaslighting me. All under the guise of doing God's will.
Tomorrow I'll post more about what it feels like when I'm triggered.
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