Hi friends. Last post I said that I'd explain more about how even unhelpful people (flying monkeys) are helpful in healing from narcissistic abuse. So first, a caveat. They are not helpful in the beginning when you're still just beginning to understand how someone has abused and manipulated you. Flying monkeys (the people who protect and support the abuser) just make the abuse so much worse, initially with their toxic positivity, gaslighting and toxic shaming of you, the victim.
But as you get better at self-care, validating yourself, trusting your version, disallowing the narcissistic abuse and cutting ties with the narc, the flying monkeys become helpful. I don't mean that they try to be helpful. Oh no, they're still shielding the perpetrator and making you that bad guy. They still shame and gaslight you. (It wasn't that bad. She didn't mean it. She hurting too. You should forgive her. You're too sensitive. You know their bullshit.)
And that's helpful in what way, you're wondering?? Let me use and example. Yesterday, for the first time in my life, I shared with someone outside the family, who was a former acquaintance of my dad's that he wasn't the easiest person to live with. (which is putting it mildly. He subjected me to his violent anger, enslaved me to his lazy wife, made me raise their kids, shamed me constantly, hit me, didn't give two shits about anything that happened to me, scapegoated and blamed me, yet made me responsible for pretty much everything and abandoned me several times.) I didn't go into all of that.
So I wasn't expecting much to begin with because this person is judgey, preachy and has shamed me in the past. I just kind a test-drove my newfound transparency, for shits and giggles. Immediately she went into pooh-pooh mode. Not unexpected, either. When I mentioned one of the more outlandish, and completely indefensible things he'd done, she actually praised him. Completely missing the boat.
So how did that help me? Well, it confirmed that trusting someone you already don't trust isn't a good idea. That's another part of the weird brain-washy stuff my parents did, which was to scold me for daring to protect myself and actually encouraging me to let hurtful keep hurting me. It also showed that I was making progress in healing. Because in the past I would taken her defense of my dad as a criticism and felt guilty. Now I just consider the source.
And it taught me something else too. That maybe, I'm hearing criticism where none exists. For one thing, the thing my dad did, is something that under normal circumstances would be a good thing. It's just that my dad did it in a weird, bad way, for the wrong reasons and ended up hurting me. And she didn't approve when I added that part. But my old self would have just heard the initial support of it and shamed myself for faulting my dad. And this time, I was able to hear past that.
And it further confirmed why I would have felt ashamed in the first place. Because I had been shamed by self-centered "parents" all my life. I was taught to believe that, as the narcissist's prayer goes, it's always my fault. I should accept "constructive criticism" humbly and not be "so sensitive." And also never "criticize" them. By which they meant don't even bring it up. How dare you feel bad when we're making you feel bad? Which is all a bunch of narcissistic contradiction.
And I learned that even if flying monkeys are faulting me for telling what someone did to hurt me, or for being hurt by it or "not forgiving" it, whatever shamey BS, I don't have to accept it. I don't have to take the shame on myself. Like Eleanor Roosevelt said, "no one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission." And why would I give obviously hurtful people permission to hurt me?
Because I was taught to. Really. Not only did my parents not protect me from hurtful people, particularly their new spouses, they threw me at them. They made any basic care contingent on serving, humoring, obeying, parenting, waiting on and letting them hurt me. They lied and said that God expected me to do this. And then took the new spouses part when they lied and said I did all these terrible things which actually the spouses had done themselves. And shamed me for failing to please them. They made me responsible for their new families while they went about doing one destructive thing after another, to me. There was literally no low that was low enough for me. The bar was in the basement.
This sounds exaggerated, even to me. But that just shows how deceptive and manipulative they were. And tricky. They'd sprinkle in a little random happy experience, just to keep me baited. They made everything so conditional, including love, food, a bed, a home, that I was forever hoping through hoops. And then when I succeeded, they moved the hoops. And then withheld and took things away, just because. And I never confronted it because it was all lied about and twisted to be my problem. And I certainly didn't need more to feel guilty about.
I won't ever confront it to them. The ones who have passed went to their graves maintaining that I was their only problem. If they did have consciences they never shared this with me. Another one has been so violent in the past that I won't risk that. And the last one just makes up lies and pretends she can't remember. I think she's convinced herself she can't.
And if it seems I've strayed from the point of the post, I have but let me just see if I can round it up. What I have learned most about flying monkeys is that by their very nature, they prove that all the bad things I remember happening, happened. Otherwise, why such staunch defense of indefensible behavior Methinks they do protest too much. And they too have been taken in.
And really, if they can defend parentification, abuse, neglect, abandonment, gaslighting, scapegoating, exploitation, theft, lies, endangerment, manipulation, trauma, then I have no respect for them anyway. So what do I care what they think about me? They can do their worst, and good luck, cause I'm not taking this crap anymore.
Amen.
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