Hi guys. Happy anniversary to me. Husband and I have been married 37 years today. And among the many good memories are some sad reminders of ugly CPTSD abuse from family of origin at our wedding. Even on what is supposed to be one of the best days of my life, my bunch found ways to damn near ruin it. Here's how.
My dad and stepmom weren't as bad. Of course, being a narcissist, my old man (he called himself that despite me asking him not to, so now he's gone, what the hell, I may as well too) had to make it all about himself. All he could talk about was how hot is was in the church and how miserable he was. Not how sad he was to lose a daughter or how pretty she looked. Every year on my anniversary, that's the only thing he'd mention. He thought he was so funny being a callous dick about my special day. And they didn't offer a damn dime to help pay for it. Neither did my other side.
But that was only the tip of the cluster-eff iceberg. My mom and stepdad have both been scammers all their lives. Looking for free stuff. Stealing from me. Conning me into buying their junk car and then stealing mine. Keeping a lawyer on retainer for the many times they have sued. That kind of thing. And the folks they associate with are just as bad.
So my mom's friend "Martha" ran a catering business. Not very successfully it turns out. But my mom told it a different way. And being the gaslit CPTSD-screwed-in-the-head people pleaser I was, I thought I'd send some work her way to be kind. It was never about me or having what I wanted. Oh no. It was about making others happy.
Well my grandma (dad's mom) who by the way is my rock and she-ro, was paying for the reception. And she wasn't on board with my mom's pal doing the catering. She could smell a scam a mile away, God love her. But she humored me. Anyway Martha talked a good talk about what all she'd do and make after we agreed on a menu. Grandma paid her in advance.
Well, day of, nothing was as discussed. Not even the flavor of punch. Grandma had offered to let her use some beautiful serving ware but Martha said she had her own. What she brought was shitty disposable foil trays that I wouldn't use for a picnic let alone a wedding reception. She'd cut back on ordering enough ham and we ran out half way through, before my husband and I even got up to the buffet. Martha said my grandma told her to order less but that was bullshit because Grandma was just as horrified as I was and she wouldn't have done that.
The cheating woman had just pocketed the extra and probably divied it up with my mom. Which reminds me, mom offered to take back some rented stuff while we were on honeymoon and failed to get my deposit back. She said they didn't give it to her. But now I realize she probably just kept it. That's how she is.
And why, you're asking, did the bridal party not get served first? That's another issue which involves another of my mom's scam-pals. Mom and her live-in boyfriend had a foster care home when I was 11. (a huge scam in itself and one which was responsible for a big chunk of my childhood trauma. That's covered in past posts). Anyway, one of her foster care folks was "Marilyn" who I was made to call sister. She basically came in and took over the show and screwed me over many times in the ensuing years.
Supposedly I told this sister that she could be in my wedding. I didn't but she gaslit me into believing I had and sucker me felt guilty. I had one bridesmaid who was also my maid-of-honor. I was trying to keep it simple and in budget because I was paying for it all. And it sure as hell wasn't going to be Marilyn. But I asked her and her even scammier (and super creepy) husband to be master and mistress of ceremonies. My mom just quietly approved. It was a stupid idea, of course.
Like Martha, Marilyn lied up a storm about what she was going to do and proceeded to do none of it. Not one thing. She promised to throw me a shower which I had to plan and pay for and she didn't even show up. She did manage to collect presents and I gave great thank-you gifts. Worst of all, and my toes curl to remember, was that she brought her three wild brats who ran back and forth screaming and laughing DURING THE CEREMONY. The minister had to stop to tell them to knock it off.
At the reception, (here's why we didn't get served first and why we ran out of food) dumb Martha just announced the buffet was open (she'd been letting her bunch eat from the buffet) And dumber Marilyn (who should have been directing traffic) and her tribe RAN UP, pushed others out of the way and heaped their plates with food. And I mean heaped. And then cut in line to get seconds when many people hadn't even had firsts. The other guests just sat there aghast, with their mouths open.
And so between Martha's skimming off and Marilyn's oink-fest. We ran out half way through. My uncle had to run to D&W to get more. I don't know if Grandma was more mortified or enraged. Made me look and feel like such and idiot. And we had it planned so nicely. I could just cry remembering. Or hunt them down, one by one and slap them till my hands hurt.
Even my mother-in-law managed to do her best to make things worse. I did my very best to include her in everything and make her feel special. But she literally sobbed all day. Ugly crying, not tears of joy. She was "losing her baby boy" and told everyone so. Even in the blasted pictures, hours later, she's still scowling and miserable. My husband says it was like a funeral around their house.
And did my mom, stepdad, dad or stepmom step in and help? Nope. They didn't even corral their own kids very well and let them make stupid faces in my wedding pictures. It was such an epic shitshow that several cousins specifically remembered and learned from my mistakes. I was the first cuz to get married and they said they were gonna make damn sure none of this happened at their weddings. You're welcome for the lesson.
We had a kick-ass honeymoon. I never said anything to anyone. Just laughed it off. I even defended and remained friends with these people. That's how gaslit people who have been abused by narcissists live. Hiding their feelings and feeling shame for other people's shitty behavior.
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