Things that are supposed to help heal CPTSD which are surprisingly unhelpful

Hello my friends. Fresh off from my post about surprise ways to heal CPTSD from dark tetrad narcissistic parent abuse, I'm sharing things that are supposedly helpful in healing but which can actually hinder. And like the helps, these might surprise you also.  

Counseling. We're told that counseling is the be-all-end-all in healing. In fact some counselors say you can't heal without it. For many issues it can be helpful but for adult children who were abused by dark tetrad parents, it can make things worse. And I may get flak on this but hear me out. Very few counselors are trained in dealing with narcissists, fewer on dark tetrads, and virtually no one on adult children of dark tetrad parents. 

One problem is that the counselor sees a chronological adult sitting in front of them and expects to be able to talk to them as an adult. But what they don't get is that they are actually talking to a child in a grown up's body. Even if they speak and act like an adult. Even if they are responsible and functional. Traumatized kids are often some of the most mature adults in society. We've had to grow up very fast, behave like an adult before we were able to and parent our parents. In fact, many of us never were kids. 

But childhood is a developmental stage that can't be missed or the whole person breaks down. There's a forever child crying in us. Actually many children of various ages depending on when abuse started and how long it occurred. These inner children have been abandoned, abused, neglected, exploited, manipulated, coerced, bullied, scapegoated, shamed, attacked, endangered and invalidated all our lives. Manipulative, selfish, arrogant, cruel (dark tetrad) parents have placed too many adult demands on us and yet treat us like naughty, wayward children in need of constant discipline. We're trapped in a limbo of thwarted childhood and hurried adulthood.   

And this unfortunately is something a lot of counselors don't get. They then perpetuate our deceitful parents' gaslighting by expecting us to do things we've never been taught to do or which we were punished for doing. They speak to us as if we should know how to fix this. Those that do realize we're trapped in our unresolved children selves are often patronizing or condescending. Actually both types do that. Like our parents, they treat us like children but expect us to think and behave like adults. 

Which just convinces us that we're the childish inept fools our parents said we were. It reinforces that we're the broken ones. We let people down. We don't try hard enough, don't "participate in our own therapy" and other such psycho-gumbo. They say we shouldn't be people pleasers when that's all it was safe for us to be. We shouldn't blame our parents tho they were the cause of our problems.  We need to grow up. We're enmeshed, etc. 

Nothing could be farther from the truth. We're surprisingly put together given all we've been deprived of. It's our parents who are childish and if we're inept it's because too much was expected that was not modeled. We've been trying TOO HARD all our lives. We prop others up and they let us down. WE don't know how to help ourselves and it was never safe to. We had to please to survive. We never blamed our parents but should have. They blamed us and we made excuses for them, supported them and never questioned their hurtful behavior. We took their sins on ourselves. They're enmeshed in us and are using up all our oxygen and bleeding us dry. 

And shocking as this sounds, some counselors will actually defend our abusive parents. You get this more from "Christian" counselors. They are blatantly dismissive and invalidating, just like, wait for it, the people who have caused us to need therapy in the first place.  These would-be helpers will make all kinds of excuses for the parents and put all kinds guilt on us. Your parents did their best (did they?) They didn't mean to (oh, cuz that's not what they told me). Let it go. (it won't let me go). You're dwelling on it (nope it dwells in me) The past is in the past (I wish! But it follows me). No one is perfect (oh so it's fine to be as awful as you want?) Sheesh if I wanted that kind of advice I'd have gone to my self-centered parents! And don't bother gaslighting me. Been there, do that to myself already. 

They tell us to focus on ourselves not on what they did. Regardless of what they did, we have to be the bigger persons, rise above, etc. I've been doing that all my life, ma'am and that's why I'm here. But thanks for making me feel even more suicidal than I already do. Are there good counselors out there? Of course. But all the good ones can't undo the untold damage that one bad leaves behind. 

Forgiveness. I've written an entire blog post already on this one. Forgiveness of people who aren't sorry isn't just unhelpful it's impossible. And dangerous. It implies consent. Also forgiveness isn't what many people think it is. It's just accepting that the past will never be any different than it was. And so that is helpful but that's not what folks who prat about forgiving mean. What they're saying is that we who have been harmed must somehow make it right for the ones who harmed us. Again, we have to fix everything that someone else broke. It's our DUTY and RESPONSIBILITY. We OWE them that. Despite them feeling no remorse for harming us and having every intention of continuing. 

Well, I'm debunking that right here and now. No it's neither your duty nor your responsibility and you don't owe anyone anything, let alone their false, self-serving version of forgiveness. You can't. Because their version defies the very intent of reconciliation. They aren't sorry. They feel perfectly justified and entitled. Or they will lie and say it never happened. You're making it up. You're exaggerating. You're too sensitive. You're too critical. It's your fault. You brought it on yourself. 

And I know, what the Lord's Prayer says. My parents were forever quoting all the scriptures on how I was supposed to forgive. They never forgave anyone and held grudges to their death. Forgiveness is a weapon that they use against you. That whatever they do you have to exonerate them. But I do not believe that God ever intended you the victim to give blanket absolution to unrepentant people. He never meant that they could keep doing it. I know, even the scripture about forgiving 70x7. Unless it is the type of forgivness that just accepts that it happened 490 times. 

He doesn't expect you to be a doormat or to allow people to keep hurting you with no repentance. That's anathema to the purpose of forgiveness which is to check and change sinful behavior. Otherwise these self-centered people would just take it as carte blanche to keep sinning unchecked. Even God can't absolve what they won't confess. Contrition is required and they don't have it. Repentance is crucial to forgiveness and they just aren't sorry. 

When Jesus confronted the woman at the well, he didn't say it's cool, I forgive you, carry on. He said don't do it anymore. And that's what dark tetrads have no intention of doing, stopping the things they do. What they want is to keep on doing exactly what they've always done and a blind eye turned to it. Or actually to be told that it is right and just and that they are above the rules. Which is a contradiction in itself. Because if what you did was right, you wouldn't need forgiveness. And if you expect forgiveness the least you have to do is admit that it's wrong. 

In the final analysis, they are trying to gaslight God. 

Surprise things that help CPTSD from narcissistic parent abuse

 Hello my friends. I've been writing a great deal about the CPTSD I experience from abuse by four dark tetrad (narcissistic, bullying, exploitative, cruel) parents.  My  goal isn't to "out" anyone but rather to find solace for my traumatized, shell-shocked self. If outing their behavior is part of that, well, so be it. Here are surprise things that help heal CPTSD. And note, when I say surprise I guess what I mean is surprisingly simple ways to  heal, kind of a gestalt thing you could say. 

Getting the most comfortable bed you can find. One of the ways I experienced abuse was in neglect of basic care. I was not provided a bedroom, proper bed or even a pillow for most of my growing up time. There was money for my stepmom to have a king-sized waterbed to herself. All of their other kids had comfortable beds. My mother made sure her boyfriend had an expensive feather pillow. I didn't even have a decent mattress. I was made to co-sleep with babies and children in cramped conditions with no privacy. I've had to share a bed, sleep on the floor, on uncomfortable couches, on camp bunks and on unheated porches, as my primary sleeping place. At 16, my mother and her husband kicked me out of the  house and I had to fend for myself. It seemed like I was always cold. 

All that has played hell with my back, neck, shoulders, hips etc and on my ability to sleep well. Not to mention causing extreme stress, anxiety and shame. Yes, shame. For being such a terrible person that I didn't even qualify for basic necessities. That's the message they put out. I nightmare all night long. I've gotten used to discomfort and deprivation. But I now know that  now that this was neglect and that I don't have to perpetuate the cycle. My husband has convinced me that it's not only okay, but necessary to spend what it takes to make sleep as restful as possible. 

Cuddling in warm, soft blankets. Along the same principle as getting a good bed, is having soft, warm bedding. And not just for the bedroom. Our couches have several blankets on them. I keep one wrapped around me most of the time I'm home. These blankets serve two purposes. First, warmth. But also emotional support and a making up to my inner child, for the nurture and care I didn't get as a kid. It's literally my security blanket. Wrapped in a blanket feels a little like getting the hugs and affection that were always withheld. Which brings me to the next point. 

Asking for and receiving cuddles, hugs, back rubs and other signs of affection. The only real touch I got was either fake for show, conditional, hurtful or icky and sex-based. Or all of the above. I hated myself for being so ugly and untouchable that even my own parents were disgusted by me. Human touch became something to avoid. I hug others because I think that's what they want and I'm a people pleaser. If left on my own, I'd be fine without it. This doesn't include my kids and grandkids. They get tons of affection from me because they deserve it and because I don't ever want another kid to go through what I went through. Not on my watch. But receiving adult affection has always been difficult for me. Thank God for my husband who has persevered and helped me to be less afraid of being touched. And so now that I'm in a healthy loving relationship, I can risk asking to be touched and not feel quite so dirty. I don't have to ask but it's good practice learning to be okay with myself requesting something. It's still difficult but getting better. And I'm also seeing how incredibly healing good touch is. 

Feeding CPTSD. If anyone needs comfort food, it's an adult who's been traumatized by abuse. One of the other things I didn't get enough of were decent meals. At various times, I have stolen food I was so hungry. I have gotten overweight from food deprivation, because my body had to hold on to all the fat it could. I still often feel like I'll never get full. And I still feel guilty for eating too much or spending money on food for myself. Feeding the family, absolutely. But stopping to get a hamburger just for me, is very unfamiliar. Or even just saying, I need to eat now.  So I have to practice just doing it. I took myself out for Popeye's the other cause it sounded good. I'm trying to keep a bunch of comforting food around. And by comfort food I don't mean junk food, although I do keep some chocolate around. I mean comforting and warm. I make a lot of soups, stews, casseroles and pasta dishes. I try to make it as healthy as possible but still nourishing. 

Blogging. AKA journaling. I don't know who's reading this but I do see that it's getting a fair amount of traction. But I don't write to be read as much as for catharsis. And I while I hope that it helps if you are struggling with anything similar, it's mostly for me, exorcise the demons in my head. 

Talking about trauma. Telling my story to trusted people, appropriately and at appropriate times, is incredibly therapeutic. This may or may not include getting a counselor. I'm not sure I'm really sold on counseling unless there is no other person to talk to. Paying someone for compassion just doesn't feel genuine. I'm not faulting anyone. And some of the best insights and most genuine empathy has come from my husband and a couple of dear friends. 

Prayer. This one's a little bit loaded. Because the concept of praying has been so misused in so many ways. It's used as a way to one-up and demean (see my  earlier post on things people say to appear helpful but which are actually shaming.). The prayer that helps me is just talking to God quietly and privately without making a bid to-do over it. I talk to Him like a friend sitting with me, because He is. 

Developing hobbies. Mine are reading mysteries, doing puzzles, cooking, making model airplanes and writing poetry. And talking about them with others. My parents were never interested in anything that I was and made it clear they weren't. They were very self-involved. And they kept me so busy waiting on them that I had no time for hobbies, really. So this is as much about getting out of the habit of just working all the time as it is about the actual  hobby. It's retraining myself that down time is healthy that I don't have to be productive every second to be of value. 

Making a dedicated effort trust my own judgement and take care of myself. Like right now. I could be out working. The voices in my head are pestering me to, despite the weather being atrocious and dangerous. That's because no one ever cared what conditions I had to work in as long as I got their work done for them. No one cared how the excessive and heavy housework they put on me hurt my back. In fact they went out of their way to make it as difficult as possible. So I got used to ignoring red flags, pain, danger and just kept plowing through in very unsafe situations. Tonight, I'm choosing to pay attention to those red flags, stay in where it's warm, and ignore the voices in my head. 

Using phrases like "that's mine, not yours" and "paw off" more often. As a kid, I was not encouraged to consider anything mine. including a home, bedroom, possessions even money.  That, they said, was selfish. Stuff that was given to me was sold and money used on themselves. I used to have to clean the entire house but wasn't allowed to consider it mine. I dusted their furniture, ironed their clothes, washed their floors, co-slept with their kids. And didn't even have a corner to do my homework. Gifts were given to me that were actually for the other kids. I caught my mom going through my wallet. And she stole my son's shoes. I've never felt it was  right to even say "my house." But I'm starting to do it more often. And I'm not volunteering to be an ATM anymore. 

Disobeying.  Not doing as I was told (and I was told to do a lot) was tantamount to insurrection. Even if it was not in my best interest and very dangerous to do. Everyone demanded my obedience and service. I was on call  24/7. So now, to get healthier, I need to say no when doing something isn't good for me. Or even if I just don't feel like it. I don't expect others to wait on me, but it won't kill them to, once in awhile. I've waited on them long enough. And I certainly don't have to do that anymore. 

Doing what I want, when and where I want to. Even just writing this feels so incredibly selfish which proves how gaslit, shamed and under everyone's thumb I was. Having needs, I was told, was selfish. And wants? Didn't even have them, it was so dangerous. Yet they did exactly what they wanted. So I'm thinking maybe doing what I want might not be the end of the world. Maybe what I want is a good thing.  

Getting in the driver's seat. My parents loved telling others off, especially me. They loved ordering others around. But they did not actually do those things themselves. They did the very things they were criticizing others for. And woe to anyone who had the audacity to tell them off. They regularly did unhealthy, unsafe, foolish things to others. Sometimes they went out of their way to endanger when a safer course was actually easier. So I think I'll stop giving them the wheel. I think I'll quit letting them crash  me into walls.  I think I'll start trusting my good judgement and quit listening their bad. 

Finding and using my big girl voice. Whatever crap they put me through, I was expected to just roll with the punches and so I did. I defended and made excuses for them no  matter how hurtful was their behavior toward me. And it has destroyed my ability to take care of myself. To this day, the thought of confronting terrifies me. I'm so used to being shamed and blamed. I defer to others when asked things I know perfectly well. So I think it's high time I began speaking up and speaking out. 

And that's what this blog has become. I can't and don't want to talk about this with them. It would do no good and tons of harm to me. But I can address it here. And I plan to continue to. 

How narcissistic dark tetrad parents get away with their abuse and exploitation

Hello my friends. I'm working to heal CPTSD from decades of narcissistic parent abuse by the four people who called themselves my parents. Today I'm looking at how narcissistic / dark tetrad parents get away with all the abuse and exploitation they wreak on their child. And if you're looking here for an answer to this question, let me warn you. I don't know. 

Since I began this healing journey, I started asking myself how did no one see what was happening to me? Why did no one step up to help or at least guide me? Granted I never said anything. But I was a kid and very gaslit by my parents. Others in my life were adults who should have seen and at the very least, communicated to me that this was not normal or healthy. 

Maybe it's a matter of "Nobody expecting the Spanish Inquisition." Funny Monty Python meme but one which makes the point that perhaps dark tetrads get aways with harming their children because no one expects parents to act this way. Or maybe others turn a blind eye. Actually,  I'm sure they do. The evidence is there in the fact that traumatized kids do not act like other kids. And then there's the obviously bizarre, selfish, manipulative and dangerous things the narc parents do to their kids. 

My parents dragged me to Alaska to be "missionaries" when I was 5. There was no mission field or church sponsorship. It was just a huge delusion. Everyone could see that and no one thought it was a good idea. And yet we went and I was left on my own the majority of the time. Both my parents were thousands of miles away in Seattle, and Adak and other  parts of AK, at various times. We squatted and lived in tents. I played alone down by the docks like a bowery boy. My mom hooked up with men and my dad took groups of teens (so he said) on mission trips?! Neither parent was ever around. I was left with strangers on remote islands. I don't know how or what I even ate. 

And there sat all my family back in Michigan, living their happy normal lives, oblivious to the fact that I was literally in danger on a daily basis. My parents could barely manage basic parenting when there were watchful eyes around. They were notoriously immature, chronically unemployed and exceptionally needy. They moved every few months and didn't even have a proper bed for me. Did the extended family actually think my dysfunctional parents had suddenly become functional thousands of miles away?  Did they just not care? 

This is one small example of the continual crazy in my life. It was part of a fabric of neglect, abuse, exploitation, parentification, scapegoating, endangerment and abandonment. I've been hit and screamed at in front of others, kicked out of the house, stolen from and left alone as a little kid. I was a latchkey kid before there was a word for it. Our house was a revolving door of men. My dad dated a girl only a few years older than me when I was 9. I've heard, witnessed and been exposed to things most people cant' even imagine. It wasn't just abusive, it was insane.  

How did my normally loving, caring and responsible extended family not even see? I don't buy this shit that "well, back then you didn't interfere." Nonsense. My husband's grandmother "interfered" as in interceded on his behalf over things that were much more benign. And his parents accepted it as correction from an older, wiser person. It breaks my heart, and has been a very real source of gaslighting in my head, that mine didn't. 

It's not like these things were happening under the radar. My grandparents knew my mother was living with her boyfriend in our house (which was absolutely verboten in all circles, then) AND  my uncle 22 y/o and his girlfriend were bunking up in my room. My grandparents hadn't allowed him to play house in their house. Why was it okay in mine? One of my mom's foster kid's and her boyfriend sleeping on our living room floor. While I was sharing a room with four other foster kids under 5, including a toddler and an infant. My other grandparents knew their son had abandoned me and his duty to me, to wander around for a few years in Alaska. 

And all this was before they  married other whackjobs and had more kids that they didn't take care of and expected me to raise. Then the abuse just multiplied exponentially. And everyone just seemed to accept it as normal. Am I blaming my extended family? Not exactly but maybe I should be. I mean we are told that silence implies consent. Maybe it's about time I asked the hard questions instead of always believing they were perfect and could do no wrong. 

I don't know, maybe it was my own resilience that baffled others into thinking it was fine. I don't think that's any excuse but anyway. It's not like I'm asking anyone to fix it. Just reach out. Ask. Investigate. Tell me it's not okay or normal. Read the writing on the wall. Open their eyes to what was right there. But no, the one time, a few years ago, that I dared to share what life with them was like, I covered it in gratitude and kisses. I groveled and placated like I always do. And my aunt whom I shared it with, while admitting that my mother has always been a pain in everyone's ass, never acknowledged in any way, how difficult it must have been for me to live with. Way to perpetuate the gaslighting. 

I've been so indoctrinated that everything was fine, so shamed for ever speaking up that I've begun indoctrinating myself. I've been auto-shaming myself for even thinking of questioning anyone. I've been taught to exist on toaster crumbs that I never even considered asking for a full meal. I was groomed to believe that everything was my fault that I never considered that it might be otherwise. Now that I'm 60 years old, it's devilishly hard to undo that. 

Would it really have cost that much to just care what happened to me? To not fake that living with four patently obviously self-centered people was normal? I mean come on, my boyfriend's dad saw what was wrong the first time he met me. My extended family were loving people, or so I always thought. Now I'm not so sure.  They certainly jumped whenever my parents wanted anything. Why and how could they let a little kid dangle like that? One thing I know is that I'll never have answers or closure. 

12 ways traumatized kids play into narcissistic parents' hands

Hi friends. I'm on a mission to heal CPTSD from abuse by four narcissistic dark tetrad parents. What's a dark tetrad? That's an arrogant, bullying, manipulative, self-centered, cruel person who hurts others for personal gain and pleasure. In a parent, it's a Molotov cocktail. Today I'm looking at how dark tetrad parents weaponize an abused kid's trauma responses. Here are 12 ways traumatized kids play right into their bullying parents' hands. Yes some are contradictory. 

1) Showing fear. Dark Tetrad get off on terrifying people with their threatening behavior. And dark tetrad parents have the perfect victim in their kids. Children already fear a lot of stuff, especially those of us who grew up in scary chaotic situations. Dark tetrad parents know their kids will look to them for protection. They tell kids there's nothing to be afraid of, then lure them into their candy house. The kid never sees the witch till they're in the oven. What a rush it is for them to hold out hope and then snatch it away, all the while maintaining the kindly old lady guise. 

2) Not showing fear. Contradictorily, dark tetrad parents love it when kids put on a brave face thru all the shit their parents put them through. They see it as a challenge and up their game. "You're not afraid yet? Oh you will be when I'm done with you." And the child just feels like she's the one with the problem because what kind of  parent would purposely terrify their child?

3) Crying. Dark tetrad parent get a quadruple whammy out of this. First, they get the sick delight of making the kid cry, then they can fake comfort and lull the child into a false sense of security. And then they shame the poor kid for seeing thru the false comfort and still being afraid. They call the kid a "cry baby" or accuse her of showing off or some other such narcissistic bullshit. Lastly, they threaten the child that she'd better quit or "I'll give you something to cry about." Lather, rinse repeat. 

4) Not crying. Kids who stay stoic in the face of parental shaming, beatings, attacks, screaming sets a dark tetrad off in another direction, anger, of the self-righteous kind.  Which by the way, they get high on too. Two reasons. It feeds their bloated god-like sense of entitlement and above-it-all-ness. But on a deeper level, it embarrasses them because their child's calm maturity shows the adult's idiotic tantrums for what they are. 

5) Embarrassment or humiliation. Speaking of parent embarrassment, dark tetrads looooovvee to see their kids ashamed preferably by something they've done to humiliate the child but which others don't see. The parent does the shameful thing and the kid gets the blame. Which is of course value added. They get to act foolish plus see someone else made a fool of. My mom invited me to  her company picnic and then threw a pie in my face. I was often the schlimazel to my one of my parents' schlemiel. 

6) Bed-wetting, nightmares, sleep-talking, sleep-walking or other nighttime disturbances. This is manna to a bullying parent, who has caused the night trauma in the first place. And it's a bonus fix because the parents gets the fun of wreaking havoc, mocking the child and then acting all condescending and dismissive over the fears set off the damn sleep problems in the first place. My mother's lazy-ass live-in used to sleep all day on the couch and stay up all night watching scary shows. He'd rage if anyone woke him or asked him to turn the TV (our TV!) down. And then he and my mother would make fun of  me for walking, crying and calling out in my sleep. 

7) Having accidents like dropping or breaking things, falling, or even wetting pants. Dark tetrads really hit the jackpot here. They neglect medical care so the child doesn't see properly or has postural issues from living in unsafe situations. Or from physical abuse. They caused the nervousness which makes the child jumpy and accident-prone. Then they make fun of the child calling her a klutz. And then they get high-horse bitchy because the child made a mess. And condescendingly "help" the child clean it up.

8) Expressing shock at parents' shocking behavior. Dark tetrads adore attention, preferably by startling, disturbing, upsetting, worrying or generally unnerving people, especially their kids. It's crack to them.  They go out of their way to do and say the weirdest things to make them uncomfortable. My mother's live-in used to love to hold  out a donut to one of her foster care kids, then scream "NO!" and watch the child fling the donut cry and sometimes wet  his pants. Oh how they'd laugh. Sick MF-ers. 

9) Exhibiting stress. Traumatized kids live in constant chaos which causes stress which causes constant bursts of cortisol and adrenaline which causes a myriad of health problems. All of which is caused by their dark tetrad parents stressing and traumatizing them regularly. So again, bonus is that the parent gets to create the chaos and then get annoyed with the child's natural stress responses. And then use it against the child or punish them. And then enjoy watching all the suffering they've created. (Dark tetrads are sadistic). 

10) Being sick or tired. Dark tetrad parents enmesh with kids and live parasitically off them. They routinely drain their child's resources. They neglect her basic care. They make her ill and exhaust her with their ceaseless neediness, inappropriate demands and unhealthy expectations. And then, when they've sucked the life out of her, voila, they blame her for being of no use to them anymore. They say she's "showing off" or "too sensitive" or looking for attention. 

11) Getting annoyed or angry. This one might be a dark tetrad parent's favorite response from their children. Because oh the payout, especially if they are religious dark tetrads. They systematically antagonize the child. They deprive, bully, harass, goad and frustrate her to no end. And remember they've also been living off her like tics. So she's constantly weak. And then when she snaps (which is surprisingly rare and very mild given her exhaustion) they act as if she's just destroyed the world. Their blazing, shaming, scathing fury knows no bounds. Everything mean thing they've ever done is exonerated by the child's one tiny act of defiance. They harangue her with God's wrath at her wickedness. They call her every name in the book. 

They accuse her of being angry, disobedient, disloyal, disrespectful, etc. Notice how they ignore the fact that they are doing these very things regularly. They actually scream at her and hit her just for speaking up?! Or not being happy enough at being exploited. My vengefully angry father and spiteful, manipulative stepmother (who hated each other) said I was the entire problem in their family because I was "so angry." They conveniently forgot how they had enslaved me and done things to me that would enrage a saint.

12) Showing discomfort or awkwardness when parent purposely behaves inappropriately, especially sexually This is similar to embarrassing the child but worse. Narcissists are notoriously provocative, the root word of which is provoke. They activate feelings of shame in the child by acting perverted. They're weirdly flirty, they even with kids. They crash kids' boundaries and invade privacy. If divorced, they date people who are way too young or old for them. 

My mom and dad and her later boyfriends were all "off" sexually. My mom would talk to me about sex when I was 8. She said it was for my own good but it was always anecdotal and creepy. When I'd beg her to stop she'd get annoyed and keep right on. She would horrify me with stories of how boyfriends "raped" her. Yet she'd keep seeing them. She told me that my grandfather "hit on her." 

She's used me as as sex therapist all my life. She said we were "more like sisters anyway." (Her sisters would NOT have tolerated that!) She would make out with boyfriends (yes, gross) in front of me  She ran around naked and told everyone she slept naked. She actually did at my house when I was married adult kids. My mom's boyfriend would openly mock me for my small breasts when I was 11. This is obviously sick perverted child sex abuse but I didn't know it at the time. I thought it was just normal. 

There are more ways these twisted parents abuse their kids. These are just the ones off the top of my head. 

  

10 disturbing things dark tetrad parents accuse scapegoats of that they do themselves

 Hello my friends. In my quest to heal CPTSD from narcissistic and dark tetrad (malignant, entitled, arrogant, manipulative, sadistic) parent abuse, I'm exploring hypocritical things my parents accused me of doing that they were doing themselves. I'm also looking at why they would do this. For a discussion on how I now know that these accusations were actually hypocritical and false, please read my previous post. 

Narcissistic and particularly dark tetrad parents point a LOT of fingers at the children they have targeted as scapegoats. They blame and shame, judge unfairly, browbeat, find fault with, nitpick, attack, bully, target, humiliate and harass their kids constantly. But there's an old saying that when you point your finger at someone, remember there are four more pointing back at you. Or as the Bible says, the measure you use against others (especially your vulnerable kids) will be used against you. So if you're quick point out wrong in others, be careful. Cuz it's coming back on you. 

I didn't know that as a kid. I believed that the mean, nasty things they said about me were true. I believed I did the awful things they accused me of. I took it all to heart. I felt ashamed and stupid all the time. I still do. Those injuries from those old slings and arrows don't go away. They fester and  poison everything. But now that I've allowed myself to accept that this is cruel and wrong, I see exactly how they accomplished it and why they did it. 

They thought that by pointing fingers at me would keep the focus on me and off from them. And because there were four of them in cahoots, it did sort of. Or at least that's how it looked to me. I don't know if anyone else saw the abuse and exploitation. If they did, no one ever said anything or lifted a finger to help me out. I've always wondered how they could turn blind eyes to all the neglect, abandonment, endangerment, mind -effing and scapegoating. But that's material for another post. 

So here are the ten disturbing things (included but not limited to) that I was accused of. Bear in mind these attacks were NOT correction for any specific behavior. There was no love in them whatsoever. Nor were any explanations given as to  what I'd actually done. They didn't do it to help me learn to be better. They wanted me to keep doing whatever it was they said was wrong so as to cover what they were actually doing. It was humiliation and intimidation pure and simple. 

They came from nowhere. They would ambush with no provocation. They would be accompanied with rage, screaming, physical assault, sneering condescension, vicious mocking, cruelty and bullying. They usually occurred in front of others. In fact assaults were strategically launched when there was an audience. They were so shocking in intensity that those around would gasp. I once wet my pants in fright. 

As I look back, even with my gaslight mind, damaged memory and mental confusion, I can't recall having done any of these things I was being punished for. I do recall many times observing them doing these things however. It makes me sick with anger to think of the poor little girls I was, being treated so abominably. And now that I see, let 'em try it again.  Cuz this lady is taking no more shit no more. Hell hath no fury...

So I'll list the accusations and then the examples later.  

1) You're a show-off . Not just that I sometimes showed off but that I WAS a show off by my very nature. 

2) You're looking for attention. When I was sick. 

3) You're just trying to get out of work. You're lazy. 

4)You're fishing for compliments. When I was singing in the bathroom. 

5) You're a selfish, disrespectful, disobedient brat. When I asked to try on my new Christmas sweater. 

6) You're a liar. The few times I told what happened.  

7) You raised your hand to me. When my mom was hitting me. 

8) You're just jealous. When my mom and dad married new people (oh, btw, whom I was also supposed to wait on and serve). 

9) You're a humiliation to us. We're ashamed of you. I don't even recall the situation. 

10) You've committed sins God won't forgive you for. When my dad was trying to get dirt on me. 

11) You're no daughter of mine. When I came home an hour late. 

Wow. All those things. Well, let's begin with the last one. You're damn right I'm no daughter to you. You're not my dad. You're my mothers shack job. And dad, you're right too. When have you ever treated me like a daughter? Come to that when have any of you? I've been servant, surrogate spouse, surrogate parent and scapegoat. Let me turn that back on ya. You're no parent of mine! 

And I'VE committed sins God won't forgive? Well then ya look in the mirror! Mom you were cheating on my dad in front of me! You were hooking up with married men! You moved you boyfriend into our house. And dad, you were hooking up with a 17 y/o when you were 34! You ran off and left me for two years. 

I'm the humiliation? Say the people who dragged me through all the aforementioned nonsense. Says the mom who dressed like a "hooker" for a church party. Who never had my back. Who weren't there for me. You do know most  kids thought I didn't have a dad?? And most kids weren't allowed at my house because you all were so bizarre and sexually off. 

And, showing off,  isn't that odd? Because I remember staying small and quiet so as not to piss off anyone off. I remember you all getting in fights and then turning your spotlights on me. 

Disobedient? I remember being so obedient that I did all their housework, childcare and most of the cooking.  I recall co-sleeping with all of their kids with them sleeping so far away that they would not have heard if there was an emergency. 

And jealous, that's rich coming from the "mother" who flaunted her boyfriends to me? Do you not hear how weird that sounds for a mom to say that to her daughter? Like I was a school chum you were trying to make jealous? You've been been envious of others all your life and you've blown through every relationship with your relentless pursuit of one-upmanship. 

If I'm so selfish, how come you're the one with my money? You've borrowed without repaying, stolen, lied, cheated and conned all your life. You literally sold my stuff to buy your unemployed boyfriend a motorcycle. 

So you say mom, that you stopped slapping me across the face because I raised my hand to you. You told my kids you never hit me. You said when I slapped my daughter's face it was child abuse (which I regret and always will). So which is is?  You were always so smug and self-righteous and pissed off when you were hitting me. As if you liked it. There was no sorrow, no remorse, like I felt when I misguidedly spanked my kids. So if I did raise my hand to you, which I don't recall doing, why were you hitting me? Why did I need to defend myself? 

I remember your biting sarcasm when you'd say "listen here, Sister Sue, you're not going to treat me like that!" And then hauling off, very  much in anger, walloping me. WTF?? Who were you talking to really? I was 8 and I loved you with all my heart. You knew that. What could I possibly have said to warrant that? Answer: nothing. You said I mouthed off. What does that even  mean? I can't recall saying anything unkind let alone mouthy. Could it be that someone had confronted you on something you did and you took it out on me?

And if I did, kids mouth off. If I'm honest, I thought it was funny when my kids did. I wish I'd never followed your poisonous example and spanked them. I wish I hadn't listened to  your bitch-ass voice warning me against "sparing the rod and spoiling the child." And then telling my kids I abused them when it was YOU who told me to. And YOU who lied and said you never hit me. And then gloated to me about how you did. Woman, you are such a liar. 

How is me singing in the bathroom any different than you playing your violin wherever we went. And what the actual were you doing in the bathroom with me?? This one really hurts because I enjoyed your playing. Too bad you couldn't just enjoy my singing. I guess that's just another way dark tetrad ruin everything. 

And I'm not one trying to get out of work. I DID YOUR work. I ironed your clothes, mopped your floors on my hands and knees, got up with your kids, scrubbed your toilets. You're the lazy ones.  Stepmomma, you sat your life away and ate yourself to death. You couldn't keep wood cut for the stove. You're all always scamming. 

I'm not showing off. I'm sick because you neglected my medical care. I didn't get glasses till I was nearly blind and the school said I had to have them. My back is trashed from sleeping on pull out couches, unheated porches and tiny youth beds. I'm in constant pain from doing far too  heavy housework. 

And just me being me is being a show off? Anything I do is all for show? Well, isn't that convenient. Because now if I were to tell anyone about the shit you put me through, it was just be put down to showing off. God I wish someone in the family, or church, or school or anywhere would have stepped in and told me how wrong this was. I don't expect them to have rescued me (but it would have been nice). At least it would have helped me to make sense of this emotional hell and not absorb it all into myself. 

But chance would be a fine thing. 

Hypocritical crap narc parents accuse us of and how it affects us as adults

Hello my friends. If you're following, you know that I'm exploring my CPTSD developed from narcissistic dark tetrad parental abuse. You might wonder (I know I do) why I keep delving into it. Why can't I just "let it go" "move on" etc? I mean after all, I'm an adult now, right? Yeeah, kinda and kinda not. The thing about narcissistic parental abuse is that it doesn't stay in childhood. It follows me everywhere. 

Would that I could just move on, walk away, grow up. It's not me who can't let go, it's the trauma that WON'T let ME go. It hounds me in nightmares (CPTSD), voices in my head, kneejerk trauma responses and monkeys on my back. All of which was unbeknownst to me. I just knew I hurt a lot and did a lot of weird things and couldn't understand why. 

So finally opening up at 60 about things long buried, is new and scary. I second guess and criticize myself all the time and always have done. Which is why I know now that it's critical that I keep on talking. Because the abuse, attacks and gaslighting is what caused this constant self-attacks in the first place. All the shame and fear accumulated in me has caused me to gaslight myself into believing I'm always wrong. And the only way to heal that is to address this shame head on. 

To do that, I need to unpack all the disturbing hypocritical crap my parents accused me of and how it affects me now. I say hypocritical because as I connect the dots, I see that the majority if not all the odd things they accused me of doing, being, saying were in fact things THEY were doing, saying and being. I have beaten myself up all my  life for these things I was supposedly doing. Though I couldn't for the life of me, see how. What they said didn't make sense. 

But then my memory and ability to think clearly, were also damaged by lies and gaslighting. They undermined my real memories and implanted false ones. So, you may be asking, as I myself do, how I know which were real and which were fake? Well, therein lies the rub. I don't know and that's why I'm so easily confused and lacking in confidence. The gaslighting is real, folks! 

I think the solutions lie in the triplet facts that 1) I'm very hard on myself, 2) I've cut them way too much slack and 3) I can't remember doing the awful things they said I did. If I had done these things, I'd have been the first to flagellate myself. They wouldn't need to even say anything. I'd know I'd done wrong, feel ashamed and try to make it right. 

Okay so this was a long build up to the list of things narcissistic dark tetrad parents accuse scapegoat kids of. And I'm pretty exhausted so I may need to start another post to address that. 

Detoxing toxic parents teaching on self-care and care-taking

Hi friends. You know how every so often you get an aha moment where things that didn't make sense suddenly do? I'm having a lot of those surrounding my dark tetrad parents and the toxic things they taught me. One that occurred to me today is how a lot of the coping responses that kids with CPTSD do are driven by self-protection. Now if that isn't bass-ackwards I don't know what is: a child having to protect herself from the very people who are supposed to protect her! 

I'm not talking about the occasional slip-up in parent care. What I experienced was a consistently chaotic, unsafe environment with four dangerous, enmeshed narcissistic dark tetrad parents who strategically tore down any effort at boundary setting. They terrified me then weaponized that fear against me.  They shamed me for daring to think I deserved better. They wore down my resistance with cruel and inhuman mind games, until they had a shell-shocked too-compliant nervous wreck of a kid.  A kid whose entire approach to life was dancing attendance on others.

So what was the lightbulb in realizing this? That pretty much everything, no I take that back, everything I thought and felt and now think and feel as an adult is informed by fear and shame. And everything I did and do is driven by self-protection from threat. I grovel because I was taught to. I keep quiet because I was slapped until I shut up. I second guess myself on anything because I was lied to and gaslit about everything. And the realization of all this is staggering. So much so that I can hardly believe it's true. 

But the more I fact-check the more lies I uncover. And the more I understand how dark tetrad (self-centered, manipulative, exploitative, remorseless, cruel) parents screwed up every normal thing for me. Let's go back to the example of self-care and care-taking. My parents really flipped those concepts around. They systematically drilled me in care-taking of them and not taking care of me. Self-care was selfish, disobedient and unGodly, for me. And it was very dangerous not to give them their way, so I did. And I do now with everyone else out of that same perceived danger.

They were very black and white about how rules applied to me and 500 shades of gray for themselves. So now, everything is a moral dilemma for me and one I'm always failing on. A moral dilemma about which, I might add, they have no qualms about. There was soooooooo much deception and exploitation! 

And words, oh my how they used them to twist and twist, till they had me all screwed down. They used dark hints, screaming rages, constant irritation, veiled threats, demeaning tone of voice, scoffing facial expressions to perfection. God, when I think of it, it was like a bad melodrama, with Snidely Whiplash and his menacing eyebrows and stagey piano. It sounds kind of ridiculous now. But at the time it was really scary. I still get a stomachache when I recall. 

I remember my mother was always in and out of roles and I never knew (still don't) which is the real her. And certainly not who I was expected to be, in response to her shifting selves. She would dump some icky stuff about sex on me and then suddenly become annoyed by some kid thing I'd done. Or nothing. Then she'd play the mommy role and drum up something I'd done wrong so she could chide me. She'd adopt this smug, prissy look and slap me across the face. Then she'd make out with her boyfriends in front of me, almost like a mean girl flaunting them. And then she'd march me to church and shame me for wanting to wear tennis shoes. 

 She'd make very backstabby remarks and then call others "catty." She'd call others on immorality and then literally strut into the room wearing super skimpy clothes. And then she'd play the pretty baby who just needed a fwiend. She'd do this odd lip pout and confide in me like a bestie. She's say "we're more like sisters than mother and daughter." Then laugh at me with whoever was her current boyfriend. And then make supper like a real mom. I didn't get at the time how odd that was. 

I was suspected and accused of all kinds of weird shit which I was lied to and about having done, though I have no memory of it. Actually, I have implanted false memories that when I look back now, I can't recall. So I question myself mercilessly. I dream I supposedly did these terrible things every night. It was like living among shadows of monsters.  I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to just be a kid. To laugh and not feel guilty. To play and not be afraid. To be loved, oh, that one. Yeah.