Okay so having written this title, let me just clarify. I am a Catholic Christian convert (raised in a variety of fundamentalists churches). The sacrament of confession (reconciliation, penance) is essential to our faith. And I just realized why I've had such a problem with it over the years since converting. Actually there are several reasons. And it's not what you think. And protestant "private confession" in your heart is an even worse problem. And it's also not for the reasons you think. I will go so far as to say that confession it's unBiblical done the way most Christians do it.
The agreed upon reasons for not confessing sin which we're told by ministers and priests is that we are arrogant and proud. Which is kind of hypocritical because the most arrogant people I've known have been priests, ministers and clergy. They tell us we don't want to bend our stiff necks and so we believe them. We think we are always the problem and if we would just do it their way, God will be pleased. Which it leads those of us with already overactive consciences even deeper into shame and further from healing. It leads to be even more harmed by harmful people who weaponize scripture to their own ends.
My arrogant narcissist parents loved to attack and gaslight me with all my "arrogance" "conceit" and "pride" and lack of humility. They would humiliate me with my "sins" which were actually mistakes or things that reminded them how awful their own behavior was. They would exaggerate little things like not wanting to constantly care for their kids into huge acts of rebellion against God. They did this I now see, to shift attention off from their irresponsibility and onto me. "We're not neglecting our parental duties, no, no Mary's the one failing by not catering enough to us."
They loudly demanded that I confess publicly all I supposedly did wrong. They took smug satisfaction in mocking and humiliating me over things that I either didn't do or that I did accidentally because they made me so nervous. Mind you they never confessed anything they did that was wrong. This is important and we'll come back to it. So hearing shame about pride from the pulpit just added to my list of sins. But in my case nothing could be further from the truth. I was always confessing my sin. Because I was told I was at fault for pretty much everything. I took the blame for everyone's bad choices even those in which I was the only one hurt by them.
I poured out my sins to God as a good little protestant girl. I grieved over them. I gravel for forgiveness. My parents would browbeat me with all the ways I was letting them, their new partners and kids, down. So I had a lot to confess, I assumed. Although funnily enough I was never sure exactly what I had done or failed to do. That part has always been shrouded in the confusion of gaslighting. I was already working to earn my keep, letting them take anything they wanted, putting up with all their weird, icky, dysfunctional and abusive behavior and doing all their work. But gaslighting is convincing. So I just begged God to make me a better person so I could somehow do all they expected of me. Not so they'd love me, mind. I always knew I was pathetically unlovable.
Initially upon conversion to Catholicism, I loved the sacrament of reconciliation. I confessed all kinds of things I hadn't done that others said I did. I never gave myself the benefit of the doubt or acknowledged that most of the "wrong" I did was after unbearably antagonizing provocation. I was afraid it would sound like I'm afraid it will sound to you, and what I was told I was doing, just making excuses. I never got any help dealing with those unbearable circumstances. I was just told to do the right thing and take it all in myself and not to worry about what others did to me. That it didn't matter if there was provocation. Which is the definition of shame and I was very very proficient at absorbing shame.
My dad would actually say "it doesn't matter what anyone does to you. You have to be perfect. The Bible says so." If I said someone else started it, they'd just say "two wrongs don't make a right" and carry on in their arrogant, irresponsible ways and letting others hurt me. No pressure there. They never once that I can recall actually helped me deal with the hurt that was being done to me. As I look back, they were the ones drawing first blood persecuting me, expecting outrageously impossible things of me that they never did themselves and then punishing me if I wasn't complying to their unpleasable standards.
And they themselves set terrible examples holding grudges, blaming everyone else for their choices, claiming forgiveness for sins they'd never confessed and viciously punishing anyone who crossed them. While I just kept screwing up because I couldn't be perfect (though I will say I did a pretty damn good job trying). And I got more and more suicidal in the frustration of taking it all on myself. If I'm honest, priests and ministers have often just perpetuated the gaslighting of my narcissistic parents. They never acknowledged either that some sins come from provocation. And that needs to be dealt with first.
And that would be bad enough. But then factor in a basic flaw with any kind of confession to someone other than the injured party or just "in private" as protestants call it. A flaw that goes against God's instruction. Simply put, we're doing it wrong if our sins have wronged another and we only tell God. And all sins hurt others. If they don't, they're mistakes or lifestyle choices. But no, instead of confessing to others we just. say we're sorry, get our absolution and go on our way "cleansed" and free. But we never CONFESS TO THE PEOPLE WE HURT. That's not even built in to any denominational approach. But it should be.
In fact, I've heard people say, "I don't have to tell anyone else what I did because (wait for it) I told God." If that's not a recipe for arrogant bullies to go on hurting unchecked, I don't know what is. It's also complete anathema to scripture which tells us to go and make it right with the person you wronged. HUMBLE yourself and admit the crap you put them through. AND if all this wasn't bad enough they pompously claim to be excused carte blanche because "Jesus died for me" so how dare you question me?? Are you doubting God??
Now they have the upper hand, they believe. They can go on doing exactly as they do hurting others but it's all good because Jesus forgives sin. Some actually think that their sins are a part of God's will that they are actually obeying him with their disobedience. No one can touch them especially not the people they have wronged. All they have to do is say they are forgiven and you have to also. They don't have to mend their ways or even actually apologize. No one can prove they didn't, they think. But we don't have to. They have proved it by their self-righteous, hypocritical entitled and wrong claim of exoneration. And by their complete disobedience to God's command to "confess to one another what you did wrong" and to "leave your gift and go confess to them." And to "go and sin no more."
Yes, Jesus died for us but we have to do our part--repenting, showing remorse, mending our ways-- or it will be in vain. Jesus has not forgiven them because they have not repented. Even just admitting you did something wrong (and arrogant people won't even do that) is only a start. Without contrition, sorrow, a statement of resolve to stop, actions to do so and making amends (penance) it's not confession. It's a joke. Jesus can forgive the penitent but not the arrogant. And He doesn't guarantee to remove all consequences, just eternal damnation. If you stole money you'll still be arrested and charged with theft. If you committed adultery, you still will face anger, divorce, etc., confession or not. Jesus may forgive you but that doesn't mean your spouse has to or maybe even should. Especially when you don't admit, apologize and change your ways. Even then, I would be very wary of forgiving adulterous people.
Because God doesn't even remove the consequences OTHERS suffer from our bad behavior. In the case of the "repentant" cheating husband, the wife doesn't magically feel better because he said sorry. She faces public humiliation, shame, anger, blame from family, her kids. She might even end up with STDs thanks to his messing around. Look at those pathetic-excuse-for-parents Duggars and how they blamed their daughter-in-law when their precious baby boy cheated on her! Talk about shit and shoved in it.
My parents ill-treated me all my life and I have the scars to prove it. I trauma nightmare every single night. I have concomitant health issues: CPTSD, chronic anxiety and fear, shame, structural damage and brain damage from unmanageable stress cortisol, constant triggering of trauma responses and a host of others. None of that was taken away. And they waltz away scot free, feeling completely absolved of sin yet they never once even admitted all the wrong they did to me. Even if they did, even if I "forgave" them (whatever that means) it doesn't heal the scars. I think that's what's meant by "the sins of the fathers (and mothers) being passed down to other generations."
They talk like it's only God they hurt. So it's only to Him they have to confess. God Himself disagrees. We hurt Him by the way we treat each other. That's why the majority of commandments, injunctions, laws, beatitudes and fruits of the spirit focus on our treatment of people. Actually, name me one that doesn't hurt others. God says that whatever we do to others we do to Him. He wants us to humble ourselves, change our hard hearts and be kind So confession to God without confession to others especially our victims is playing God for our own ends.
Catholic confession is better, but still misses the boat if the penitent doesn't address the people he hurt. And all too often, that's not even mentioned. Even the penance doesn't address it. It's like we who were hurt have to just accept whatever was done (and continues to be done) like it's all good because they went to confession. Or worse yet got "down on their knees before God in their little prayer closet." Neato you told God but you never told the victim. Or you just said you told God which I think is more often the case. But you probably did is made excuses and justified your own behavior while whining about how others did you wrong. But no one will ever know because you did it secretly. Now you feel so much better, hurrah. Meanwhile I'm left with all the suffering and knowing you'll probably do it again because you have so many times before. And I'm supposed to keep hoping you'll try harder when you've just been basically told you're good to go.
Confession actually harms the victim more because now they're supposed to forgive like God when they never had even the satisfaction of the guilty party humbling himself and acknowledged how he hurt her. So still, all the work falls to the victim. She has to repeatedly suffer the consequences of others' bad choices, pretend it's not happening, keep rolling over, hoping against hope, trusting unreliable people, giving a million and one chances to someone who has proved a million and one times that they have no intention of changing. And why should they? God forgives them and has forgotten it.. So they can feel free to do likewise evidently. Funny though they can recall in vivid living color every little thing that was ever done to them. They forgive nothing.
The victim doesn't even get the respect and courtesy of being admitted to that the harm was done to her. She's told it's God that was hurt. Well, if that's the case, she wonders, why am I feeling so bad? He doesn't even have to say what he confessed and she has no to right to ask because of some "seal of the confessional" gaslighting nonsense.
Privacy doesn't extend to the victims however and that's as per God. The sinner is supposed to confess to the injured party or it's not a valid confession. And anyone that would use privacy as an excuse to avoid confessing to the ones they hurt, is not humble or contrite. The Bible says these acts were committed publicly (as in involving other people) so they must be confessed publicly. But again, these arrogant people don't humble themselves. They weaponize everything to their advantage: scripture, God's law, everything is twisted to keep them on their high horse.
They just want the absolution without the work. And then very often, because that person is already arrogant and ungrateful, they are also very unforgiving themselves. They blame other people for their bad choices. I think that's a lot of power to give someone who has not earned it and proved himself a malicious, exploitative person.
To do the sacrament of reconciliation correctly, the priest should tell the penitent that absolution is conditional on her going to the people she hurt and confessing, apologizing and making amends to them. None of this three Hail Marys business. No disrespect to the Blessed Mother but it wasn't her that was harmed either. And I think Our Lady agrees. She takes the part of the victims. She tells us to pay attention to her son and his Father. God says he doesn't want our sacrifices and burnt offerings, but a contrite heart.
I know that if I have wronged someone, you can be darn sure I won't just tell it to a priest or the wall. I go to the one I wronged because I feel sorrow for hurting them. I certainly wouldn't smugly tell them they have to forgive me if I haven't even admitted what I did to them. Actually I would never tell anyone they had to forgive me. I give them the respect of making their own choices. Anything else is mockery of God and God will not be mocked.